We had known for a long time that Victoria was different to most of her peers but I think it really became apparent to me at least during the first lockdown of 2020. The level of the school work being sent home to the children in her class was way beyond what she could understand and seeing how Victoria interacted (or actually, didn’t interact) on a class Zoom compared to the other kids in her class was eye opening. We were also starting to become aware that some of the other children were beginning to notice Victoria’s differences too. The gap was widening between V and her peers. It was now time to tell Victoria about her autism.
Tuesday the 25th August 2020 was to be the day we would have “the chat” with Victoria. I was convinced my girls would be much older before needing “the chat” of any kind, and that it would be their mum’s responsibility. I never planned for this “the chat” and I felt way out of my depth.
I’m not sure why we chose a Tuesday, but we made arrangements for Emily to be out of the house for a couple of hours so we could focus on V. I’ll be honest, I’m normally ok at working out what to say in a particular situation but this time I drew a blank. How on earth do you start a conversation with a child, the basis of which is “you’re different”?! Thoughts of how it would go span around my head in the days beforehand and I know I didn’t really sleep the night before. Every possible permutation and outcome bounced around my brain. And a million questions came too. What would we say? Would she understand what we were saying? Would she get upset? Would she go into meltdown? Would we be able to answer her questions? Is this the right thing to be doing at this age? Should we leave it until another day? Preferably a day when I am not around…
It doesn’t matter how many times people tell you “everything will be ok” you never believe them do you? Not really anyway. Every time I’ve been nervous about something it has always gone well. The nerves I’ve had before presenting at a conference in the past have been immense but the presentation has always gone to plan with great feedback and Becs has always confirmed that she did indeed tell me it would be fine. It always is. But this was different. This was important. Really important. Life changing in fact. Had someone said to use before that “it will be ok” I would never have believed them. How could they know? Had they ever broken news like this to someone so vulnerable? It could literally change everything in an instant so how can it be fine?
It was fine. Of course it was. More than fine in fact. And for 2 reasons. Firstly, whilst I sat next to Victoria with a dry mouth, reduced to a gibbering idiot unable to get a single word out, Becs explained things to Victoria in a way V could understand. She eloquently described how everyone is different. “Like G in my class – she’s different… she speaks Polish!” interrupted Victoria. She got the basic message! Being different is fine. It’s great in fact. “Autism is your super power” explained Becs and Victoria beamed in a way that told us she not only understood what she was being told, but she loved it.
The room got very dusty at this point but once I’d cleared the grit from my eye and hugged my little superhero I realised just how much of a weight we had been carrying by not discussing Victoria’s autism with her. Or probably with each other thinking about it. Up to this point it had been a negative, a burden, something we had to work around whilst not mentioning the “A” word as if it were some secret to be hidden. Not any more.
My most basic instinct is one of honesty, it always has been. I’m too arrogant to lie. If you don’t like the truth that’s your problem not mine. And yet as parents we lie to our children daily. Father Christmas… the tooth fairy… “this won’t hurt” as you apply antiseptic to a cut… But it’s always for the right reasons and the same is true of us keeping Victoria’s autism from her until Tuesday the 25th August 2020. But it was only from this date that we were able to really help her with her autism by including her in the challenges, helping her to understand her own emotions and how to show us when she is struggling. On that day we gave her a simple book about autism that she still reads today to explain some of the challenges she experiences. It’s certainly not easy but it is a lot easier with her knowing and I’ve no regrets telling her when we did. When is right for another child will vary massively, so this isn’t a case of 7 years being the “right” age to explain things to them. More than there is nothing to fear by doing so.
