You ask yourself a lot of questions as a parent. Most are based around the simple question “am I doing this right?”. And when you’re sitting in A&E with your young daughter (see M is for Meltdowns) you naturally call that into question! Once you get a diagnosis of something like autism then the questions grow exponentially. This wasn’t part of the plan. I thought I would be the perfect modern dad by knowing what size nappies to buy and at what age they can start drinking but autism? Not a clue.
I did what I always do when I need to know about something and jumped straight onto Google. Now don’t get me wrong, the internet is a wonderful thing, but there really is such a thing as too much information. Ask a question about autism on Google and you will get thousands upon thousands of pages of information. Some may answer your basic questions but the trickier things you need to know about your particular child, well you need to work a lot of that out for yourself. The black and white text of a website or book cannot explain why Victoria does the things she does and often the things I’ve read in pursuit of answers simply add to my confusion. This is where groups like the Fathers Club are great because through talking with like-minded folk you pick up thoughts, tips and sometimes answers to the questions in your head. Including the questions you didn’t know you wanted answers to.
When you get that diagnosis I guess it is natural to ask if we did anything wrong. Did we cause Victoria to have this condition that would be with her for life? Google says no. Or, depending on which site you end up on, maybe. Or yes. There is a lot of dodgy information out there that can seem like an obvious answer but really shouldn’t be considered. Vaccinating your child didn’t give them autism and you can’t “cure” it, but Google might suggest otherwise.
Questioning how Victoria came to have autism has been exhausting at times. I’ve often laid awake at night wondering if I or we could have done anything different. Not that we would take it away from her now; as I said before it is part of who she is and we wouldn’t change her for the world. But if we could have done something different to prevent her having these struggles then maybe we would have. What parent wouldn’t?
It was only after watching the McGuiness’ story I mentioned yesterday that the hereditary aspect of autism really started playing on my mind: did I pass this condition on to V? Did Becs? Christine McGuinness had the same questions and took the Autism Spectrum Quotient test to see if she might be on the spectrum (if you haven’t seen the programme, she is and has since had a formal diagnosis). Since doing the test I’m now questioning whether I might also be on the spectrum myself. I’m sure some of you will be things “well yeah!” and others might think it strange I could even think it possible. The thing with autism is it shows itself is such a wide variety of ways that it’s difficult to spot in others. Sometimes anyway. Once you are living with it you spot the signs in others quite quickly.
So I am currently toying with the idea of finding out whether I am in the spectrum myself. It would certainly explain a few things but I’m not sure if it would change things, and whether those changes would be positive or not. If anyone has gone down this path as an adult I’d love you hear your thoughts and experiences via a private message.
And if you are now questioning this yourself, the AQ test is available online… you might be as surprised as I was with the result!