Football

During my abc of autism posts earlier in the year I stated that F is for Football and I described how Victoria came to join Sutton Dynamos FC‘s first all-girl team. It’s been a steep learning curve for both of us, and I don’t just mean my lack of understanding of the beautiful game. There have been many emotional ups and downs during Victoria’s year-and-a-bit with the team where my views as a parent have sometimes conflicted with those of the management and coaches of the team, but social media tells me this is completely normal and I know I’m not alone here.

Where I am alone when it comes to Victoria’s team is that V is the only member with autism, and that brings about some additional challenges both on and off the pitch. There is no doubt about it, Victoria has developed a huge amount since the first taster training session in 2021. I am not exaggerating when I say she literally couldn’t kick a ball in a straight line, but this was true of many of the girls trying proper football for the first time. But what she lacked in ability she more than made up for with enthusiasm and the smile on her face every training session told me that this was the right place for her, even if I was freezing my nuts off on the side of a muddy pitch wondering how I ended up here when I have 2 girls!

Ironically given my lack of love and understanding of the game before last summer, Victoria’s football proved to be a lifeline to me as well. Like many, especially over recent years, I was massively struggling with my mental health. I’ve been prone to anxiety and depression in the past and was aware of the warning signs. I know things are getting bad when I start actively avoiding social situations and human contact, but given we were coming out of the pandemic and everyone was avoiding contact, this one kind of crept up on me.  So as we approached the very first training session I had an issue of anxiety. The thought of taking V to football terrified me. I’d have to make small talk with other blokes about football whilst cheering from the side lines and pretending to know what I was talking about. Being emotionally blackmailed into taking her by Becs was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time as it forced a chain of event that quickly got my anxiety back under some kind of control. The only time football had ever been a positive influence on me before was when it became an excuse for a few pints at the pub, and even then the jury is out on how positive this actually was given some of the friends I’ve made that way!

During the intervening months since I have often questioned whether this team was right for Victoria. Her love for the team and her team-mates was clear to see, and the support she gets from the other girls, parents and coaches is amazing. But like us questioning whether mainstream school is the right place for Victoria to thrive, so I often thought the same about Sutton Dynamos. You see, what started as a group of girls in the same year at school wanting to have a kickabout has developed into something much more in many respects. Many of the girls are thriving within the team, genuinely becoming excellent players with skills that see them earn Player of the Match trophies on a weekly basis, get picked to play for the district and embrace all things football both on and off the pitch. And quite frankly, Victoria is not on the same level. Like school where she is developing but the gap between her and her peers is growing, the same is true of her football. And like school, I do not believe this is a simple lack of ability per se, but her autism means she learns the game in a different way to many, and struggles with the speed of the game and the need to pre-emptively assess what will happen next. Small things haven’t helped either. Our constantly-changing locations for training and matches throw her, although she now adapts to these changes much better than before with the right amount of forewarning. Something as simple as playing a match where the pitch is marked out in blue lines rather than white have a major impact on her ability to function, perform and thrive to the point it was as if she were being asked to play a completely different game at times. And this is where the conflict has arisen on occasion for Victoria hasn’t traditionally had as much match time as many of the other girls and arguable needs more experience playing a fast-paced game against strangers not less. But my need for Victoria to develop has to be matched with the needs of the team and like every other football parent, I don’t always agree with the decisions made. I’ve often questioned whether football at this age should be a meritocracy or not, something I will cover in another post one day as it makes me deeply question one of my deepest held beliefs.

We were going through a good period on the pitch, winning more of our games than we were losing in stark contrast to 12 months ago where we  prayed every week to keep the deficit below double figures, but something was missing. The fun had been sucked out of the team as all of us parents tried to do what was best for our girls and the coaches tried to manage over a dozen 9 and 10 year olds and at least as many parents… I think I know which group was easier to manage! I started to wonder whether another team might be a better fit for V, and constantly thought about a conversation I’d had at Fathers Club about a member’s boy’s experience at Swanscombe Tigers, another local club who as well as mainstream teams have children and adults’ teams competing in the Kent Disability Football League. But there was that word again: Disability. It took me a long time to get over that word and ping off an email to the club to see what they’re all about, and a week later I was driving Victoria to their training ground, having exactly the same thoughts I had when going to view a special needs school; Victoria isn’t disabled so how can this possibly be the right thing for her? Do I want her mixing with disabled kids? She might wonder what’s wrong with them and why they are so different, and this could be confusing. And besides, Victoria is developing in a mainstream setting, so it’d be far easier (on me) to just keep her there and keep everything as… normal… as possible. But we would try it anyway… it would make me a good dad if I at least explored another avenue for Victoria. And just like my visit to a special needs school I found my prejudices were unfounded and my fears were unjustified. I can’t tell you how bad I felt as Victoria walked onto the Tigers’ pitch that first time and I realised everyone else there was just like her. She was vastly outnumbered by the boys, but that is where her differences ended – this was a team of children around Victoria’s age who love playing football, but it just so happens they come with a range of physical but mostly learning-related disabilities. Just like Victoria. There was even a boy there from her (mainstream) school, which pleased V no end. Victoria fitted in well and as I tucked her into bed that night she was beaming the biggest smile I’ve seen on her face in a very long time. This felt right.

The ironic timing of all this was that just a few days before first attending Swanscombe’s training session, Victoria had scored for the first time in a competitive match. Not just once but twice. And narrowly missed a third as her penalty hit the crossbar. It made me question again whether taking her away from the Dynamos team that had taught her so much about football was the right thing to do. We kept it quiet for now, with V moonlighting for another team, and our secret was only helped by the weather and other challenges pausing her training with the Dynamos for a couple of weeks, but this was giving me sleepless nights. Yeah I know… what the hell am I doing having sleepless nights over football?!?! I also had challenges at work with made mid-week training with the Dynamos difficult. So the solution, for now at least, was made for me. Despite having no real interest at all in football until a year ago, my eldest daughter is now signed up to 2 football teams!

I strongly believe that her training with Swanscombe with help her no end on and off the pitch. She now has a regular social activity where she is mixing with children with learning disabilities, run by people that understand the challenges she faces without me having to keep banging on about them. I’ve always shied away from integrating her with disabled kids as it is a label I felt uncomfortable with for V, but the truth is she is disabled in the truest sense of the term. However, that isn’t a term that the Tigers use. V is now part of their Ability team and will be all the better for spending social time with her true peers. We have decided to also keep her training and playing with the Dynamos because she is developing there and for the most part is treated the same as her team mates. I guess this setup allows me to sit on the fence of wanting V to be treated the same as everybody else, but acknowledging that she is different to many, and luckily both team managers are ok with this setup as neither commitment will impact on the other in anything other than a positive way.

At the end of the day Victoria enjoying the game is my number 1 priority, and if she ever takes a preference for one club over the other then we will follow her aspirations as best we can. But until then  I am now supporting 2 local teams for Victoria when I’ve never even supported a team for myself in the past!