Ability Football

Back in November I wrote about Victoria’s journey with football, how we questioned whether disability football was right for us? and how she had become a member of the U11 Ability Juniors team at Swancombe Tigers, a local team that play within the Kent Disability League, and I think it is safe to say the journey has continued with some twists and turns since then.

Over the past few months Victoria has been an active member of both teams (Swanscombe Tigers and Sutton Dynamo), training with both teams and playing regularly for the Dynamos, a situation I am more than happy to support as long as it is what Victoria wants and needs. In that time V has had some great training sessions with the Dynamos where she has been fully engaged, responding to the coaches well and most importantly, leaving with a smile on her face. Unfortunately match days have been quite different. Ask he if she wants to play a game and she will enthusiastically confirm that she does, but I am now beginning to think this may be for 2 reasons. Firstly it’s her love, in fact her need for routine. Football has been a regular feature of our Sunday mornings for over 18 months now and breaking that habit would be impossible for V to do herself. One of the things Victoria needs to keep herself regulated is a lack of surprises, so knowing she has swimming on a Monday, daddy in the office on a Tuesday, football on a Wednesday, nothing on a Thursday and dance on a Friday followed by a weekend of football training and matches keeps her grounded. And just writing that means I will have the Craig David earworm in my head all day now…

One thing we are really starting to understand now is Victoria’s need to fit in. I’ve written before about masking and the amount of mental effort it takes for V to hide her autism from the world in order to appear normal. It must be mentally exhausting to have to try to be someone else for so much of your day so I am not surprised it has such an impact on her anxiety levels which in turn affect every aspect of her life from education to how she interacts with family and friends. So I’ve come to realise that every training session and every match day presents itself with a massive challenge for V whereby she has to spend an hour or so hiding her autism from those around her. And since this realisation it has become plain for us to see the things she doesn’t want us to see. Let me explain…

Stimming is a technique those with autism use to regulate themselves and involves repeated movements and noises which help control anxiety levels and when the sensory overload hits V will quite quickly shut down; she will look to the sky, appear to be gasping for breath and flap her hands uncontrollably. This isn’t something many people outside of our home see because she puts a lot of effort masking this behaviour but knowing what to look for we now recognise when these events are occurring and when Victoria is masking them. These event are often seen as a very short shutdown followed by a sideways glance to check if anyone witnessed her being different with a dose of embarrassment and relief if nobody is watching her. Imagine being embarrassed about something that is completely outside of your control?! Now imagine trying to learn a new topic or skill whilst hiding these traits from those around you…

So to (eventually) get to my second point, Victoria continues to attend Dynamos training and matches in order to fit in with her peers and do what everyone else does, but whilst there spends much of her mental capacity dealing with her autism rather than focussing on the task at hand and, most importantly, enjoying herself.

Like many in our position, it has taken us a long time to come to terms with the fact that Victoria has a disability, albeit a hidden one related to learning and the way she sees the world rather that anything physical. So it certainly wasn’t easy to take her to that first Tigers’ training session. But one thing I have noticed loud and clear since then is that here, surrounded by other kids roughly her age with a mix of disabilities and challenges, Victoria can actually be herself. There is relatively little need for her to regulate herself because the football training is her regulation, and without needing to mask she is able to focus on the most important thing; enjoying herself. And if she does need some time out it is fine; the coaches and her team-mates are completely used to someone needing a short break from things to get their head straight.

The similarities between school and football are striking (pun intended). V has the same kinds of challenges in mainstream education as she does in mainstream football; she hides her autism from those around her, tries her best to fit in, strives to achieve what her peers are achieving and struggles silently, not causing too much fuss or disruption in an environment that simple isn’t quite suited to her needs. And this is absolutely not a dig at the mainstream settings she is a member of. When you have a large group of normal kids to teach you cannot tailor everything for the one child with autism, and nor should you. As much as our world revolves around Victoria and Emily, we don’t expect everyone else’s too, it’s our job to get them into the right environment to allow them to thrive. And just as we are trying to do that with Victoria’s education (that’s another story for another blog post), I’ve finally realised that now is the time from Victoria to move on from mainstream football, so on Saturday we “handed in our notice” to the Sutton Dynamos team. I say we as training sessions and match days have become a massive part of my life and my weekends over the past couple of seasons too, so this was a big decision for me as much as it was V. A decision I found very difficult because as much as Victoria is different and does have challenges, I’ve always aspired for her to meet her full potential (don’t we all), and firmly believe that in the right environment V can be every bit as good as her peers, be that in education or in hobbies and pastimes. But ultimately it is the right decision. At the start of the Dynamos journey the whole team were new to football and most were unable to kick a ball in a straight line, let alone play the game as a team. The whole team have improved massively over these 2 seasons, not just when it comes to kicking a ball around but when it comes to teamwork, supporting your team mates and communication, the benefits of football will be felt in all areas for these girls. And this is true for V too, albeit at a much reduced level. On day one she fitted in well with the team, as all were starting from a low base. But just as in education the gap between V and her peers continues to widen, so too is this happening in football. As this is extra-curricular her ability isn’t as important as her enjoyment of the game and I never want football, a fun activity she choses to do, to become a negative or something that brings with it stress and anxiety. Added to this is the impact V’s football has had on Emily. Our weekends seemed to revolve around football. Our ability to go out for the day or away for the weekend were limited as we didn’t want to disrupt the routine for V. But that came at a cost. It was time to get our weekends back so we could dedicate them to both girls, to family time.

Last Sunday was Victoria’s first match day for Swanscombe Tigers. It was a bitterly cold morning, in a new environment playing against new teams with teammates she had never played with before. As the snow fell, V was frozen to the bone, that cold that her fingers hurt despite her wearing gloves and several layers of clothing. If ever there was a day to be put right off of football, today was it. And yet she played brilliantly (they all did), got stuck in with tackles and shots at goal, and came off the pitch beaming from ear to ear. I think they won 2 of their 3 games that morning, possibly drawing the third before the matches were abandoned to the snow Gods, but it really wasn’t important. It really is the taking part that counts here. This was the right environment for her.

So as it stands today we are back to being a one-team family again, which for me is still one team more than I expected to be involved with! I see a bright future for the Sutton Dynamo girls and wish them the best for the future. But for now at least, Victoria is a Tiger who is relaxed, happy and enjoying learning the game from a slightly different perspective in an environment focussed on what the players can do, not what they struggle with. “Ability” not “Disability”. And games once a month (mini tournament style 10 minute matches over the course of a Sunday morning in Faversham) give most of our weekends back. My only challenge now is working out what to do with them!